Seven Effective Principles of Romantic Relationships

There are a myriad of relationship counseling books on the market as any casual peruser of the shelves of bookstores can attest.  One observer of human relationships that stands out, however, is Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington who, with is wife, oversees their relationship institute.

Gottman’s work is important because it is backed up by extensive scientific research and he is has also pioneered ways to get relationships back on track.  His observations do not apply just to married couples but any two-person partnership, whether straight or gay, dating or living together.  Here’s a brief summary of some of his suggestions: 

1.  Accept your partner’s influence

     Why?  Increases intimacy

2.  Explore and accept your partner’s sexual fantasies

     Why?  Increases intimacy

3.  Go to where your partner is

     Why?  Expands sense of “we-ness” (i.e., togetherness)

4.  Help each other realize each other’s dreams

     Why?  A major goal of marriage

5.  Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts

     Why?  More satisfying unions

6.  End gridlock

     Why?  Remove the hurt so that the problem stops being a source of pain

7.  High expectations yield high-quality relationships

     Why?  Mitigates negativity

8.  Work on accepting yourself with all your flaws

     Why?  Forgive yourself and become a better partner

What undermines relationships?  These are the things to avoid, according to Gottman, particularly defensiveness:

1. Defensiveness: Being overly sensitive to comments or criticism from our partner.  By doing this, we essentially wall ourselves off from any effective communication because we typically do not want to face up to feelings within ourselves that are stressful and make us anxious.
2. Stonewalling:  Giving our partner the silent treatment, thereby preventing communication.
3. Criticism:  Being overly harsh with regard to your partner’s flaws.
4. Contempt:  Seeing your partner as inferior or not worthy.

Some suggested reading:

Gottman, J. (2000).  The seven principle for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert.  NY: Random House.